Overcoming the “Surface Pressure” of Post-Pandemic Parenting

May 7

By Jacqueline Shaw

**The world as we know it turned upside down and inside out, and yet, somehow we had to keep steering the ship, making the waters as *calm* as possible.**

Parenting. The word will trigger various thoughts, images, and phrases, but few would associate it with the idiom, “a piece of cake”. It is ubiquitously known that raising a child will come with its fair share of stressors, but no one could have prepared the parents of 2020 for parenting in a pandemic. The world as we know it was turned upside down and inside out, and yet, somehow, we had to keep steering the ship, making the waters seem as calm as possible. We needed to be the stabilizing force and the safe space. We needed to dig down and find the strength we didn’t know we had.

And man, was it exhausting.

So it was no surprise that when the Disney movie, Encanto, erupted on the scene in the late fall of 2021, parents watched Louisa closely. For those who have not yet seen the movie, Louisa is the Madrigal sister with the gift of superhuman strength, both physically–which is obvious– but also emotionally. Her song, “Surface Pressure”, where she admits the weight of her responsibility, touched a tender nerve that so many of us were nursing. During the bridge, though, Louisa pauses for a moment and muses:

“But wait, i
f I could shake the crushing weight of expectations, w
ould that free some room up for joy o
r relaxation, or simple pleasure?

Instead we measure this growing pressure…”

At the beginning of 2022, this was my question, too. How could I bring that lightness back into my life and the lives of my children, who are struggling to make the leap back into a more “normal” routine?

It was with this wish that I signed up for Dr. Jessica Singh’s 8-week program about mind-body medicine. The class focused on the teachings of Dr. James Gordon and the Center for Mind-Body Medicine, which centers around evidence-based holistic wellness. The breadth of the course was impressive, and I found ways to not only “free some room up for joy” for myself, but also for my anxious child. The following are simple yet highly effective strategies to help lift that “surface pressure” that may have settled in your house, too, over the last few years.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

I start with this one because it is so uncomplicated and yet so powerful. You always have this tool available to you, no matter where you are or what may be going on around you.

Doing this for only a few minutes will set off a chain reaction in your body. The vagus nerve is activated, which then triggers the parasympathetic nervous system. The result is a relaxation response; our heart and respiratory rates decrease, causing the relaxation that Louisa– and those who see themselves in her– are looking for.

Adults steering the family ship can do this type of breathing at any time of the day, but I do recommend trying it before any influx of stressors. Granted, we can’t predict them all, but most families know when the whirlwind blows through their house: perhaps it’s first thing in the morning, trying to get everyone off to school, or maybe it’s trying to wind the day down while ensuring everything’s set for tomorrow.

Children, on the other hand, may need a bit more guidance to help them understand when and how they should use diaphragmatic breathing. One technique that works for young ones is using their hand as a guide.

Have them hold up one hand, palm facing out, and use the pointer finger on the other to trace around their five fingers.
As the pointer finger moves slowly up the thumb, instruct the child to breathe in deeply until they reach the tip of the thumb.
When they reach the tip, pause for a second and tell them to notice their belly sticking out.
Then, have them slowly move their pointer finger down the other side of their thumb, gradually exhaling.
Again, at the end, tell them to pause, and notice that their belly is back in place.
They can repeat that technique for each finger.

Shaking and Dancing

Sometimes, especially with children, it can be a challenge just to sit still and breathe. Another tool to have in your toolkit is dancing! If the word “dancing” is too restricting because it brings to mind choreography, feel free to refer to this as “shaking” instead. Dancing in whatever fashion moves you is a form of expressive meditation, and meditation, as Debra Norris, PhD describes in her book In the Flow: Passion, Purpose and Power of Mindfulness, “has been found to affect clinical outcomes for most every clinical condition defined by science.”

So throw on your favorite song your child’s favorite song (yes, even if it’s talking about Bruno), and get silly! If your child seems unsure of what to do, just tell them to imagine that skeleton inside of them, and we’re going to try to shake every bone in there. After the song is over, pause and take a few deep breaths, noticing any changes that may have come over you from this expressive meditation.

Dr. Gordon points out that regular practice of shaking and dancing have “the same or similar trauma-healing benefits as physical exercise [...] which increases feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and the endorphins; the creation of new neurons in the hippocampus; and decreased anxiety, greater resilience, better mood, relief from and protection against depression, improved sleep and memory, and greater capacity to focus.” (The Transformation, 71).

Drawing

Sometimes, words do fail us, especially when our vocabulary is limited. That’s why drawing can be so powerful to help us work through our challenges. If your child seems to be struggling with identifying their problem and/or solution, I highly suggest this activity which is taught in the Mind-Body Skills Group model developed by the Center for Mind-Body Medicine. Set a time limit too– perhaps about five minutes per drawing. This will help the child go with their gut and not overthink it, which can lead to more authentic results.

In this activity, the child completes three drawings.

Drawing 1: Draw you as you see yourself now.

Drawing 2: Draw you with your biggest problem.

Drawing 3: Draw the solution to your problem.

Once they come up with a solution to their biggest challenge, have them actively start to work on it. After a few weeks, have the child repeat these drawings and see what has changed. It’s so illuminating!

In Short…

We are living through disorienting and unique times. Being mindful and gentle with yourselves and the children in your lives will help to keep us grounded and focused to steer our own personal ships through the uncharted waters to our desired destinations.

For more information, I highly recommend reading Dr. James Gordon’s book, The Transformation, or taking one of Dr. Singh’s group sessions to find out for yourself how metamorphic these practices can be.